We hear it said, the things that come the hardest in life become the most precious to us.  As a Christian, I believe this is true.  Jesus paid an incredible price for my freedom, trusting I would one day choose to return His love and be His servant and friend.  The sacrifice He made to have a relationship with me makes my relationship with Him all the more precious – and the first priority in my life.

But I can say the same thing about my relationship with Loretta.  She is my wife, lover, and best friend other than Jesus.  Her sacrifices to remain committed to me, love me and care for me – even during times when I cause her pain – do not go unnoticed.  The Bible says it best:  She is more precious to me than rubies (Proverbs 31:10).

Furthermore, some of the most difficult times in my life are a result of my commitment to Loretta.  I too have to make sacrifices and go through changes I would rather avoid.  There are times when I grit my teeth, forcing myself to do the right thing or change in order to love her and care for her as the Word commands.

We live in a society today whose moral standard has become, “What is right for me is what is right.”  The concept of self-sacrifice is equated with losing one’s identity or giving up one’s destiny.  This is completely contrary to scriptural principles, which declare that personal sacrifice in obedience to God will give you the desires of your heart, not deprive you of them.

“He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39).

Still, there are times when the most spiritual of Christians in the throes of “laying down their lives” for their mates, ask themselves, Is all this worth it?  Absolutely!  Just as Jesus thought it was worth it to pay the price for a relationship with us, Loretta and I have found it is worth it to pay the price for our marriage.  And the blessings that come as a result of our faithfulness and perseverance are far beyond what we could ever imagine.  We have truly “found” our lives.

Men who remain faithful to one wife walk in great blessing and prosperity – even if they don’t know God. 

“Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 9:9).

The phrase “the labor which you perform under the sun” is giving us the cold hard fact that a good marriage is available to everyone, but it takes work.  To enter into the blessings of marriage, you are going to have to do some hard labor!

Due

God unites hearts together in marriage.  In the spirit you are complete, and it’s wonderful.  But the joining of the flesh is what is difficult!  I’m not just referring to sex, but the little things in the natural that a husband and wife encounter in their daily lives together.  These are insignificant things which can become major issues, ultimately affecting their sexual relationship.

For example, I have often wondered if all women squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle.  I was taught, most efficiently, to squeeze it from the bottom and roll it up, but Loretta would grab the middle and mess up my word of art!  How did we finally solve this problem?  We bought two tubes of toothpaste.

Few marriages break up over something monumental.  Rather, they are sunk by the little things which mount up day after day, festering until they become major problems.

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection (benevolence) due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3).

The word render means to give, but the word due indicates this is something they owe one another.  Render means you have the choice to give it, but due means you are obligated by God to give it.  My staff are called by God to their positions, and they approach their ministry as unto the Lord.  But on the first and fifteenth of every month, they expect their paychecks!  Twice a month I decide to give them what I owe them.  In the same way, your husband or wife can expect you to give them “benevolence.”

Benevolence

The word benevolence often brings to mind a charitable donation to the poor.  But it is translated from one of the most beautiful Greek words, “eunoia.”  Eu means “good,” and noia means “mind.”  This does not mean you give your spouse a good piece of your mind!

Eunoia means you owe it to your spouse to think about them in goodness and grace.  You owe them “grace thinking.”  The extra courtesy given during courtship does not end at marriage.  What is owed in marriage is consideration.  Loving thoughts and kind affection are due each other.

Benevolence, or grace thinking, is taking the attitude toward your mate that God takes toward you.  God’s love is unconditional, and He is long-suffering toward you.  Instead of badgering your mate about their faults, consider your own.  Does God provoke you over your faults?  No, God treats you the way you used to treat each other when you dated.  Courtship and courtesy should never end when the marriage begins.  Their rewards are too valuable to neglect.  By looking at our own faults and dealing with them, not only can we avoid strife with our mate, but we will grow up.  When you point the finger at yourself you will have a lot more compassion and patience for your partner. 

Love is a Mental Attitude

One of the most important aspects of grace thinking is this:  Even if your mate hasn’t pleased you, you want to please them.  Grace doesn’t say, “I will please you if you please me.”  Grace says, “I will please you whether you please me or not.”  When both the husband and the wife have this attitude, the marriage relationship becomes more fun every day.

Practice Listening

The word “practice” is the key.  Listening is a skill you acquire by practicing it.  Have you ever tried to tell someone something, but they interrupt you before you end your sentence?  Then what they say indicates they didn’t hear a word you just said?  We all do this from time to time because we haven’t learned the art of listening.  Poor communication and pride make it difficult to listen.  You want your mate to hear and understand your side, and your mate wants you to understand their side.  The strongholds of poor communication and self-centeredness can be exposed.  When you are able to strip away pride, see yourself exactly as you are and admit to your facades, fears and weaknesses, then your mate can begin to relate to you.

Love is Not a Feeling

It is a choice.  There are times when you have to choose to love your mate and trust the feelings to come later.  You will have moments when you grit your teeth, push an encouraging word out of your mouth and force yourself to be affectionate.  But the rewards of doing right are always great.  Because you are basing your actions on God’s Word and not your feelings.  I guarantee it won’t be long before the spark of love will be there again!

When you set your heart and mind to choose to love your husband or wife, which is in line with God’s Word, there will come a time when you love your mate passionately.  In fact, because your love is based on the grace of God and not your own strength, you will love your spouse more than you ever dreamed possible.